I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
