Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
