I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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