Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
