If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All the doctor said was why
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
