My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
