god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
