she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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