Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
