I need to stop coming to work sober
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
