You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
