a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
