i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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