Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
