so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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