So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
