i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Congratulations! We have a period
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
