my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I could make wine with my vomit
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
