no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
