I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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