When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
