i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
