hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
