Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
