woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
