i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
