I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
