did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
