I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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