WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
