the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
