My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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