it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
