I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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