someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
