turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
