I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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