I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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