Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
