I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
