No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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