Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
