if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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