doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
