A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
