Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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