so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
