I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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