i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
