I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
